11:40 p.m. - 2002-01-29
Fade to black..
When one can't hide from the truths of the innermost workings of his own mind..
Jumping back to times happier then this..
I close my eyes, let the darkness engulf me, imagine I can hear the sounds that made me happiest, imagine I can see the people I was with...
Flashed of light..
A myriad of sound and emotion, images meaning something but making no sense...
Eyes shooting open..
Fear setting in..
I'm here again..
I am alone..
Sweat..Dripping down my face finalizing the end of the nostalgic.
The worst part of a dream is the end of it, the waking up, accepting where you are..
I don't know how much longer I can take it..
Regret..if I had persisted..
If I hadn't given up ? On life ? On love ?
If I had just calmed the fuck down.
Losing love because of death, that's inevitable, unstoppable, undeniable.
Losing love because of one's inability to cope with the things that are real.
Inability to believe.
In the end it all means nothing..
Everything you were trying so hard for, striving so hard for means nothing, you end up with a trophy of regret, and pictures in a shoebox of everything you lost.
Happiness, kidnapped in the cool strobe light of one precious moment.
It's so easy to lose myself in this when i'm awake, yet my sleep remains unfilled with dreams.
Sleep loses all meaning and comfort, it loses all the effects of regeneration when you stop dreaming...
When the time between losing consciouness and waking lasts only a fraction of a second...when one horrid day leaves off to give breath to one more...unchanging, never straying from the path of the unwanted horror..
Life is life.
All day today I was filled with an unquenchable anger, at everything, at my life, and how I put myself here, how I let myself be tricked into a false reality, and gave up on a reality that could have happened if I had only let it.
I decided to be more headstrong then I have been over the past few weeks. To make my plans come alive in a fury..
To do whatever I had to do to leave this place and begin again, where I left off, if it's still possible..
To relive the adventures forgotten in the details..
Details ruin a life where emotion reigns supreme..
So that's it. I'm getting out of here, i'm moving my deadline up a couple months to further pressure myself into action.
I will do it..
I'm quitting my "job" *laff* tommorow, getting a "Real job" Those of you that know me, must realize how difficult this is going to be, to throw off my anti-superior flow and accept the fact that for the next 5 months, I have to be a slave, but it is temporary.
Once I have bought back my life, paid my dues, and my debt, I have a plan..
How funny that seems in the bigger picture..
A plan within a plan..
All depending on the small details that will happen consecutively.
I won't let them ruin it this time..
Can you read our future in the stars ?
I won't miss this one because I was looking into your eyes.
But can you really blame me for being distracted ?
<3 night kids <3
p.s. On another note, I would like to add that for the next 10 minutes, we will be taking an extra 10% off all items for our more sneaky customers.
"You don't look like the kind of kid who would wear American Eagle Shoes"
Yeah well...it's a long story.