4:13 a.m. - 2001-06-23
It's been a rough week, and today was quite a rough day. However due to some friends gracing me with there precense at my nightly IHOP field trip I had a fantastic couple of hours. Filled with laughter. Then I had to come home. I went online for a bit..then i got off and I just kind of sat here thinking about things. I have this great knack for not trusting anyone. And yet every once in a great while I do, and they always without a doubt break that trust. Just recently I thought I found someone I could trust, someone I could well..I don't know. It doesn't matter now. I joke it off but it really does get me down. Not like it was some huge relationship or anything, I guess it was more the hope of...and now I'm sitting here, waiting for a call that's not going to come until Monday. I strive to not put this kind of drama bullshit in my life. It's so teeniebopper crappish. And yet it seems to slip in once in a while. I feel so stupid. I feel quite used.
Why would someone like me, to whom which the mention of a whore makes me ill, move to Las Vegas.
I've had a whopping 3 relationships.
The first dies.
The second I get engaged to and she cheats on me with her best friend.
And now this one, before even having a chance of getting serious..well, stopped liking me I guess. I'm just waiting for her to work up the nerve to tell me.
It's so dumb.
Sometimes I just want to break down and date some skank whore simply for the presence of someone else. My life is constantly solo. I just want someone to be here. Certainly not for sexual reasons, God I can't stand sex. It's just nice to know someone cares, to have someone to care about. To be able to cuddle up with someone and talk next to eachother in bed for hours. I used to do that..but now..I lay there in bed for hours awake thanks to my insomnia, stare at the ceiling and scream...well ok so I don't scream, but im thinking really really loud.
Non-dairy creamer makes me smile.