10:14 p.m. - 2003-05-27
totally random thoughts
How do you make a decision in a world where everything is predetermined? Is any choice worth making when no matter what you decide, it's what would have happened anyway?
Every action has an infinite number of reactions, every reaction based on the situation, environment, and details surrounding it, but what if the initial action is the basis for the situation, environment, and details.
The first particle that split and created the universe, set a path for the rest of time, every following explosion, electronic impulse and thought was originally created and set in to motion by the first spark.
When your mind is given a choice, electric pathways in your mind go over the options and make a decision, but it's simply following the path of the original.
So what's the point? There isn't one. There is absolutely no reason to do anything from this point on, because no matter what you do, that was the reaction that was going to happen, you had no real influence over it, you're just a robot following directions without realizing it.
I just don't get it, I don't understand when it all came in to play, one particle, given life to all that we know, and we "choose" what? Bills, car payments, jobs, war, missiles, murder, destruction, divorce, starvation, hunger, emotion. Or did we choose it, why are there some who can't accept it?
Why bother.
People call me an asshole, they say i'm uncaring. Why should I care? Why should I give a fuck about the feelings of a pulse, of a battery, of a collection of bacteria that happened to evolve. People have no purpose, they have no higher motivation, they are not the almighty gods creation, they are natures result, an accident, a side effect, an afterbirth of the creation of the galaxy, they mean nothing, so why do I care?
Why should I go out of my way to give a shit.
Don't be mad at me because I accept my fate, because I realize there is nothing out there, don't hate me because I see life as what it is.
An ocean, filled with millions of people, all swimming around, nothing to see in all directions, all of them totally oblivious to anyone else around them, they just keep paddling, no purpose, no direction, blind, deaf, and dumb. Don't be mad at me because I can see the rest of you, don't be mad at me because I see the few like me paddle around, and then give up and let themselves be surrounded by the comfort of the lack of breath, let themselves sink into nothingness, give up.
So why go on? I don't know. A morbid curiosity of what's to come, to see how long it takes for the scourge of morons on this earth to destroy each other? I don't know, and at this point, I forget why I used to care.
People say i'm too young to think things like this, they say i'm cynical, i'm pessimistic, i'm too young.
I was too young for a lot of things in my life, too young to feel the hatred of those who should love me, too young too be on my own, too young to be left on my own, too young to sleep in a gutter, too young to have people die on me, too people to have people cheat, lie, take advantage of me. I'm sick of it, i'm sick of it all, i'm sick of people seeing me as a fucking target, i'm sick of all of you fucking people. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and find all you people were some kind of twisted fucking nightmare, some side effect of some bad soy-cheese.
Fuck this, fuck life, fuck debt, fuck work.
Fuck all of you.
I don't give a fuck, I don't care what you think, I don't care if you judge me, I don't care if you half brained fucking monkeys think you mean something.
So if I don't care why do I rant on? I don't know, so much built up hatred, resentment, and yes, even sometimes envy of being ignorant, of never having to realize what everything really means.
I wish I could just be happy sometimes, just forget all this retarded nonsense and wake up in my own little bubble and live my own little life, in my own little house, in my own little town and never have to worry about anything but my own little problems.
Then I realize I would kill myself quicker in that life than in this one, because as pointless as my life is, take away the realization of meaning nothing, and that's all you're left with.
Prime time specials, retarded commercials, endorsements, politics, lies.
Keep it. Keep it and fucking rot.
I'm just too fucking tired.
