7:26 p.m. - 2004-01-13
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An ashtray that needs to be emptied and 17 glorious moments of menthol flavor yet to be had.
Surrounded by garbage, empty bags of popcorn, computer game boxes filled with scratched CD's.
Unread books that should have been read long ago, weird noises coming from other rooms.
Stomach pains, headaches, freezing cold outside, sitting in an apartment with no heat.
Late for bed, have to wake up early, continue on a pointless existence of wasted dreams.
Everything you owned in a previous life seeming so distant now just clutter reminding you of how life actually works out.
Walls closing in, heart beating heavy, eyes tearing up, screams welling up inside my fucking throat that will never be released, just end up choking on saliva and feeling worthless.
I was going to be a leader.
I was going to start a revolution.
I was going to write a book.
I was going to be famous.
I was going to fall in love.
I was going to start working out.
I was going to quit smoking.
I was going to drink more.
I was going to learn French.
I was going to stop playing games.
I was going to stay in love against all odds.
I was going to buy a house.
I was to have a lawnmower.
I was going to read the paper.
I was going to go back to school.
I was going to drop out.
I was going to stop being worthless.
I was going to stop all the nonsense.
I was going to stop playing games.
I was going to say what I thought.
I was going to move to Seattle.
I was going to walk in the rain.
I was going to be loved.
I was going to be a millionare before my 21st birthday.
I was going to do a lot of things.
All I ever wanted was to not feel like this. I don't know if it's me, or other people, or life, or a chemical imbalance, or just the reality of it all, or lack thereof.
Instead I just look forward to the weekend so I can drink myself to sleep.
Everything used to be so simple to me, I had answers for everything, I knew exactly what I was doing, my mind worked. Somewhere along the line it just all went to shit.
I guess that happens to most of us.
