4:00 a.m. - 2002-04-07
Isn't that the fucking truth..
When I look in the mirror, I see the future, something that I haven't thought about/cared about in a very long time..
Recently, those closest to me have made for me some semblence(sp?) of a plan, that I can actually agree to..
In my drunken state I decided to delve deeper into the future, and in relation to my past, it doesn't look so good..
I'm afraid that my past mistakes will determine my future. I've hurt so many people in the past, for no reason. I've done so many things that in looking back, I could never understand.
I'm old and retired and sitting on my porch, my wife of xx years brings me out lemonade and I start to drink..I turn to her and ask her if she "remembers the time that we...", she chuckles mildly to humor me as the slight memory comes back to her very aged, yet still beautiful face. We then decide to go for a drive through the small town we live in and discuss all the things we did and fought for and cared for back in the days when we moved a little quicker..
We return home later that evening and share a homecooked meal and drift off to bed where we snuggle and enjoy our old age until we wander into unconsciousness.
I sip store bought powder brand lemonade, I turn to my wife of xx years to humor her with a clever remembrance of the past only to realize she isn't there, because she doesn't exist. I fear that, being alone when it's my time above all other to enjoy it. It goes against every part of my ever growing ego to feel this way, to feel lonely in my life, especially now.
I don't know why, I shouldn't ponder the future further then what's right before me, and yet can't stop doing so. I ponder the future of the years to come, but stop before it gets too far.
I'm scared of growing old alone..
And I feel that if my past mistakes had been rectified in some sort of meaningful way, then maybe it would turn out different.
I don't even know why I Feel this way. I shouldn't. My life right now is fantastic. I love every day, and every day it gets better. I must have some sort of imbalance that refuses to let me be happy..
I don't have much, but what I do have, i'm afraid of losing, and I don't know why.
I have every reason to believe that what I have now will last forever, and hope upon hope that it does, because i'm happy, happier then i've been in a long time. I wake up every morning ecstatic that i'm me, but when i'm alone with my thoughts, they terrorize me. Terrorize me with my own self doubt.
It fucks up the whole God complex thing.
Fuck it. I know i'm not going to lose what I have, I refuse.
I refuse the possibility.
I will obtain the dreams over the reality.
I'm probably just being mellodramatic.
but fuck it.
It will/has happened.
On a lighter note...
I'm getting drunk, as I have done every night for the past 2 or 3 weeks, and i've come to a very blatant realization..
I'm in love with being in love.
It feels so wonderful, I don't know what to do with myself.
So maybe I can accept it and move on.
I know i'm going to fucking try.
I'm gonna stop now before I start crying and shit.
<3 <3 <3