1:47 a.m. - 2002-03-14
The last week, every waking thought i've had has been of *OH SNAP EDITED FOR CONTENT*. I simply cannot escape it. From my thoughts, to my dreams, to the half awake state of insomnia. I simply can't let it go.
I'm single again, and I don't know how I should feel about it. Well, I feel wretched, and dissapointed in myself. I just don't know if i'm supposed to.
Why couldn't she have just *OH SNAP EDITED FOR CONTENT* How hard is it to NOT fucking do something.
I just wish she hadn't.
Everything would have been better for me. I'd be happy right now, and in not in a depressive, back to self destruct mode, feeling sorry myself god damn aggro drama queen who sits around pondering all fucking day.
So I had a dream today, I fell asleep for about an hour sometime mid day after I had woken up for a bit...
I dreampt I was at IHOP, no big surprise, and the kids were there, no big surprise, as in my better friends out here, but so was she, she was there, and I know why too, I've always wished she could have been there to expeirience this life with me, she would love my friends, and they would love her, i've always pictured us laughing and talking together...
Anyway, so we were all at IHOP and me and ash were furiously debating something, and going back and forth and cracking jokes, and everyone was dying laughing at us, and my ex-living love of my life said something clever and witty and I looked at her and said "Shh..respect your elders"..
This requires explaining..
*OH SNAP EDITED FOR CONTENT*
So yeah then I woke up horribly depressed and wanting to commit suicide because it plunged me into horrid memories of everything that used to be happy about my life..
It was almost good though, to be able to see her again, my dreams are the only place I can, being we weren't photogenic people,*OH SNAP EDITED FOR CONTENT* we didn't take pictures and all that..
So I don't know. I hate my life as I always have, but right now I am seriously going into major depression mode, and i'm not trying to make those around me feel bad, but I think I am...which makes me feel worse..
And I have nobody to fill that void considering I fucked up everything about the relationship I just got out of..
So I'm lonely, and depressed, and I need someone to love, and to love me, and I'll never happily get it..
My views and my ideas, and my lifestyle just simply refuse to let me be happy..
So fuck it. I hate everything and I just want to fall asleep and die and never fucking wake up...
I'm not a drama queen, I swear, ok maybe I am, but at least i'm not purposely annoying my friends with my problems..
I just really wish she was here..
I really do with everything that I am..
I can never forget.
I sincerely need to find love that will agree with me and my ways..
If I don't find it soon I don't know what will happen, but I need it in my life, I need that one thing, that one feeling, that one oppurtunity..
To make me truly believe that I should go on blindly through this shithole and feel that it's almost worth it..
Because of "you" ?
<3 Night kids <3
p.s. more regular entries, I promise, i'm in the right mood now.