12:27 a.m. - 2002-01-07
Anticipation of the Unknown.
I don't know where I am anymore.
I don't know what to do.
People need something from me.
I don't know if I can give it.
Theres something I need to do if I want to be out of this hellhole in 6 months, I don't know if I can do it.
Love...I lost it, I think.
Do you remember me still ?
If I was there, would you still feel it ?
This isn't me ?
I don't wonder..
I just took this online screening test for Depression. www.depressionscreening.com, 10 questions, they told me at the end I should call 911 immediatly.
I thought that was pretty funny.
Then I realized they were serious..
Oh well, fuck it.
I was never good at tests.
I was never good at anything that was important.
I am master of the trivial.
Please, help me ?
There were things I was supposed to do this week. I didn't do them, i've been in a trance, the trance of the repetitiveness of someone who can't live without excitement living in the world of the bland.
You seen Shrek ? You that castle, the town where everything is supposed to be perfect and everything stays the same...and the rules...and regulations...well that's where I live, except nothings perfect, and all the rules are against me.
1) Don't live
2) Don't enjoy
3) Don't understand.
I'm living in a world that wants me to die. They have no use for me.
I don't understand anything anymore. I had it all figured out..then it melted away...like a cup of ice ?
Or maybe I never knew at all..
Maybe i'm dillusional...
Maybe I should call 911..
Nah fuck it, nobody would even know.
Nobody would miss me.
It's all a big joke.
I fight this battle for you..
It's the only reason i'm here..
Is that sad ?