11:25 a.m. - 2001-12-11
I feel horrible. I've been having a tremendous amout of revelations not only about myself, but others in my life, and life itself.
It has not been good.
One in particular bothered me the other day. I felt as if I would rather know me then be me. As if to say, in another life, I could be my best friend, that way I could live through all the expieriences, and share in everything I do, without actually having to live with the reprocussions, without the consequences. I would be an amazing friend to have.
Later on I changed my mind feeling that those reprocussions were what made me, me. They are also what makes my life interesting, and if I only knew me, I would just end up commiting suicide anyway.
Not that it would neccesarily be a bad thing.
I have been wishing, as many people in debt do, that I was back at 0. Not having any money, but not owing any, puts someone in a rather pleasurable situation. However me being 7k+ in debt, because of the actions of others, and my moments of stupidity, has left me quite exasperated at the idea of coming up with a new plan. I've come up with a new one, and it's quite brilliant and will be the envy of all. However, I need to pay off my debt and come up with 10k in addition to that. A few years ago this wouldn't have been a problem, whether I can do it now, I don't know, not to mention i'm only giving myself till June to do it.
I like giving myself impossible time frames to do things in.
Everything is kind of fucked right now anyway, money, life, friends, relationships, family, it's all one big pile of the primordial(sp?) shit anyway. I'll figure it all out though.
A friend of mine commited suicide a couple nights ago. No big surprise considering the friends I associate with, still it has put me in a very bad state of mind, and a mood that keeps people who know me at least a mile away at all times.
Nothing of interest really going on at the moment, i'm trudging through my repetitive life paying off my debt, working on my book, and plotting and planning the downfall of the world.
Besides that, everything is the same. In the next couple weeks, i'm going to use this diary to share some of the revelations i've had about life, and everything else. It's quite interesting, or would be I would imagine, for a sane person to read. It's funny how the things I see as truth, and obvious reality, are seen in such a different light by the "normal" and "sane" person. Ok, well maybe not funny. Something along those lines though.
Fuck it thrice I say, yes, thrice.