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12:55 a.m. - 2001-10-24
Well God damn, I hate girls
Well, I admit Iíve been a bit slack on keeping my diary up to date on my goings on, but I do have an excuse. Itís too fucked up for me to believe itís reality, I was hoping I would wake up before mere need to write forced me to convey the truth.

The last time I wrote, Iím pretty sure I mentioned moving to Vienna, this was in hopes of starting my life over, gaining some extra money, and since my mother lives in the area, hopefully trying to reconcile some of the heavy problems we had in the past. We havenít seen each other in years, and barely ever speak. She said I could come down and stay with her for a week or two until I found a place but she wasnít very thrilled with the whole idea.

That was the original plan; however things as they always do, change. Those of you who follow along with my diary, know Rochelle, from way back then, who left me because she had too much going on, turns out she was fucking her ex-boyfriend and left me for him, anyway, point being she broke up with him again, and a week before I left, she called me, I went over to her and we talked. She told me sheís changed, that she wanted to change her life, to start over. I figured what the Hell, Iíll bring her with me, we can start our lives over together, as friends. After a few days of planning, we started getting close again, and she asked me out. We started going out again, things weíre great, one thing about Ro, is she always treated me well, well for the first week anyway. Point being, I called my mother and told her I was bringing Ro with me, she was in now way willing to help, and withdrew her offer of letting even me stay with her.

So instead, I changed my entire plans for Ro, and decided to move back to NY. Much drama happened the week before we left, but I took it all gracefully and supported her through everything. Three days before we left, she got kicked out of her Auntís house again, and again, I took her into where I was staying. The last day we were there, the personís brother with whom I was staying with didnít want the both of us there, so I got a hotel room for us. She then went by herself to hang out with her and my friend Dave to say goodbye, I made plans to meet them later at IHOP. They were twenty minutes late, and when they showed up, she sat on the other side with him, I should have known what was going on then, but me and Dave had had extensive conversations about Ro, where he had said many times he had no interest in her more than a friend, and she in turn, said the same about him.

However, from that moment on, she started acting differently, we slept at the hotel room that night, got everything done the next day, stopped by her fathers and left that night. We drove and drove for a while, she was very quiet, I tried to be supportive, but mostly she was just homesick and needed time to think, I knew that so I let her have her space. She told me later one of the greatest things about me was I knew when to say something, and when to be silent, and when to just give space, without asking, and not getting all upset about it. I guess it just comes naturally.

Somewhere around Denver, some butt fuck little town, my breaks went out, we had to end up staying there for the night. We had a talk that night, and I told her, since she was just coming out of a hard relationship, maybe she shouldnít jump into another one, because I take them seriously, and after a while I would fall in love, so she had to be honest with me, I told her I would help her pay off her debt, start her life over, and get custody of her sister whether we were friends, or going out. She told me I was the perfect guy, and she was falling for me, and she wanted to come as my girlfriend.

The next morning we got towed to Denver, a half hour away, and had to spend the day there while everything was getting fixed. I felt sick all day. Somehow, mulling through Walmartís and Applebees, I struggled through it, and the bill for the parts, the fixing, and the towing was all about 1000$, I would have just left it there and hitched back to NY if I was alone, hell Iíve done cross country hitchhiking a few times before, but I had Ro, so I threw over my credit card, which of course was denied, for some reason, so I handed over my other one, accepted thank God, and we were back on the road.

Nothing really exciting happened the next few days, just hotels, one guy with a platy mullet haircut, but the whole time she acted indifferent, she said she was homesick, but I felt something else. We got to NY, and got settled in, started looking for jobs, and the planning, oh the planning, she would talk to me at night, out on the porch as we smoke cigarettes and drank coffee, about how I would be the perfect father for her sister, and how we would sit in front of our fireplace in the 900$ month condo I was getting for her during her first snowstorm, and how everything was going to be perfect.

I just need to say, I gave her a total of 4 opportunities to get out of the relationship and be my friend on the trip from Vegas to NY, she gave me the same answer, stated above, all 4 times. That comes in later.

She filled my head with lies, saying she loved me, saying she would never break my heart like the others, saying I could trust her. Then, she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend online, the one she left me for the first time I didnít care, I donít get jealous, I trusted her, I didnít care about the past, just the future, but she decided to tell me about it. I donít know why, if she was going to lie, she told me about it in the first place, I never asked. Anyway, the point is, she lied to me, and I knew it. I usually know when someone lies to me. So I stopped trusting her. I found out, through e-mails between her and Dave, she was in love with him, how long it had been going on I donít know, sheís only met him three times, but apparently they were in love, she was going to use me to help her get everything she wanted, pay off her debt, get her sister, then leave me after January for Dave, my friend. The worst part is, I just donít understand why she didnít agree to just be my friend, if she knew she would leave me. She couldnít tell me when I confronted her either. I was being used, manipulated, blinded by hope that this was going to work. I was so blinded by the chance that this love would work, the plans, everything sounded so beautiful I donít know. Anyway, I confronted her, she packed up her things and I popped out my card for a 312$ plane ticket back to Vegas, I still have to spend another 150$ to ship all her stuff back.

I was used again. I donít understand what it is thatís wrong with me. All the girls I know say Iím perfect blah blah, thereís nothing wrong with me and yet, I get used, and lied to, and stepped on. My theory is that woman arenít used to a guy actually being perfect, and nice to them, and giving them everything they want, and supporting them, so they thing that instead of thinking hey this is a great guy, they think, Iím so great I have him bitchwhipped, which isnít the case. I just need to find that one girl that is intelligent enough to realize it has nothing to do with her, I just want to do it for her.

So thatís whatís been going on with me. Now Iím smoking a cigarette and drinking a coke with lemon, wishing to God I havenít quit my cocaine habit. I donít know what to do with myself anymore.

I really have no plan, Iíve decided Iím going to make myself better, mentally and physically, Iím going to teach myself Spanish and French, touch up my Russian, start working out, and eating right, basically making myself as perfect as possible. For no apparent reason . I know Ashtray is moving to New Castle, PA, which I had in the past intended to take over, I suppose I could do that like originally planned. Other than that, I really donít know. I have been thinking a lot about Traci, I think Iím still in love with her, very much in love. And although thatís never going to happen again, I still find myself wishing she was here.

I donít know. I donít know what to do about anything anymore. Iím going insane. Maybe if I move to PA with Ashley things will get better, knowing my dumb ass Iíll just fall in love down there and get used again, or fall in love with her, sheís quite the predator of love Iíve noticed hahaha <3 Well I donít have to worry about that, if I pronounced my love to Ash, sheíd laugh, or shank me, Iím not punk enough. Anyway, Who knows. Somebody fucking help me. Where is the one girl who will take a guy like me, and understand. And treat me in kind. Where ???

I hate girls. Theyíre fuckin mean. I mean guys are assholes, but you females are downright cruel. Unfortunately for me, I never blame future girls for past girls mistakes, I just let them make the same ones again and just bend over and take it up the ass like the Social bitch that I am.

I need the input this time people, somebody get a hold of me and tell me what the fuck is up. Iím going totally insane.

Voltaire said ďLord, protect me from my friends, I can take care of my enemiesĒ, I wonder what he would say about my girlfriends.

<3 <3 <3




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