3:47 a.m. - 2001-09-23
How people can be so fake, and yet be so wrapped up in their own worlds that even though denying the truth, be so misguided and lost in social standards that they truly don't know they're doing it.
Can one be so lost in his or her own mind that they think they know exactly where they are ?
I have realized today for the first time in a very long time exactly how strongly I let things effect me. I take emotions and the way I express them very strongly, as i've said before, after you take away all the bullshit of life, the only thing that really matters are your memories and the emotions you've been blessed, or punished in feeling. I try to take advantage of that and only go for emotions that are true, whether they be good or bad, that are true, that are real. I thwart mind games and social tricks. I am real. As real as anyone can be in a world based on lies, and personas created by greed and selfishness.
I understand. I don't agree. I sit her alone as always wishing to the God I don't believe in to send me somebody else like me. Someone who can appreciate me in all the ways I can be appreciated. Someone who can take the love I give and reciprocate it.
Truthfully I could be surronded by millions of friends and still be alone, i'm missing that piece, that connection. I need that, I spawn off emotions, I take strength from the emotions people give to me. When I feel loved, I can take on the world. I need a sidekick. I need a lover, a friend, a teacher, a student, a dreamer, a poet, a singer, a deep thinker.
Fuck all that. It's not going to happen. Poetic nonsense. Mellodramtic ramblings. I don't deserve it anyway. I have nothing to offer anybody except for myself, which would be enough if I lived on say...another planet, in another dimension. In a world where things are based on materialistic ideals, someone like me who can offer all of themselves in a total and real sense without playing any games, who could be the perfect guy if only given the oppurtunity, all of this, for the most part, means nothing.
Sometimes you may be able to find someone where this is enough, in which cast most of the time, it's to much, so it doesn't work out anyway. The people who would be able to handle it usually aren't ready..the rest of the people can't handle it, and then of course the ignorant morons who don't even know what IT is.
I could give up, I could say I don't care, but I do. Maybe one day in my incessant ramblings someone will come along, or on my ever growing need to move from place to place i'll finally find someone who makes me want to stay, and then once I do, have it all work out.
A pipe dream maybe ? Just call me Mario and point in the direction of the Princess.
Fuck it, I don't care he whispered to the dark. The dark just laughed.
p.s. Since Diaryland is gay in it's HTML editor and won't let me design anything cool, I decided to go with one of Lex's you all should check em out, he's got some nifty shit.