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2:20 a.m. - 2001-09-10
Look mom, no hands
Closure can be a very relieving thing. It can also be a blade in heart of denial. Hoping for so long that something could be something you want, then bringing it to an end where there is no going back can be almost deafening in itís finality.

Such is life I suppose, however who really knows if it is. One can always separate his own problems from everyone elseís thinking them in some way more superior or more in depth, more complicated. I suppose itís all nonsense in the end however, we just have to accept that things happen. If you canít change them, then you canít change them, there is no sense in getting upset about it, on the other hand if you can then you have some power of influence over how things turn out, and for the same reason, not get upset.

If it were only so easy as to look at it in that light when the time of reflection begins. Itís been a very long time since I was truly happy. Or even remotely happy. Iíve always been lacking in the family department, and those I had left have long since given up any hope of reconciliation with me so I have come to accept that part of my life is closed. Friends on the other hand, I feel at this time in my life I have a close circle of some really good friends, but even so I still feel that in the end, nobody really cares. I still feel that the things I deal with on a daily basis that keep there repetitious nonsense running through my mind are my problems and mine alone with no help or support from the outside world.

Over the past few days I have gotten myself pretty motivated for the work I have to do on Monday. Iíve been putting off for weeks the work that could bring me back into the financial position that Iím used to having been distracted by everything going on I lost somewhat my confidence and my motivation, itís starting to return however not because that distraction is gone, but because I am no longer able to accept the lifestyle I am living.

Having all the friends in the world can not fill the emptiness that one person alone can fill. Maybe itís just me who feels it like that, maybe itís just me who needs that in their life, perhaps a character flaw of mine is always seeking that what I now miss.

Who knows.

I feel frustrated, confused, everything fun like that. I donít feel like writing anymore though, so fuck it.

<3 dan



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