Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

4:32 a.m. - 2001-08-20
I wish God would leave me alone like I do him
I feel utterly destroyed. *OH SNAP EDITED* Today I got a call from all people, my mother. This is like getting a call from the bubonic plague itself. Considering we haven�t talked for almost a year until recently she�s called me twice this month. The first time to tell me *OH SNAP EDITED* She also told me of her plans to get remarried. This entire week since my *OH SNAP EDITED* like always, I�ve been holding it in. I don�t want to talk about it with people so they can pretend to care. It�s been really hard, if it wasn�t for my love I would have probably broke down. But this is to much, *OH SNAP EDITED* and hearing it from my mother is the icing on the fucking cake. I hold everything in, I don�t enjoy or benefit from talking about my problems. I bitch like everybody else but usually not about the things really bothering me, I just keep it all inside.

I�m scared.

I�m scared something else is going to happen and I�m not going to be able to take it. I�m scared more people are going to die. I�m scared I�m not going to make it out here. I�m scared that I�m digging myself into a hole I�ll never get out of. I�m scared of losing her. I�m scared she�ll find someone who deserves her. I sure as hell don�t. I�m pathetic, at least I feel that way. I feel helpless.

Maybe I�m just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I�m just overreacting. Maybe I�m just a retard.

I�m normally so much stronger than this. I�ve dealt with this before, I�ve dealt with far worse problems. My life right now is pretty ok. I�m in love with the perfect girl. I have a very small amount of really good friends. As soon as I get my financial situation better I�ll be good. I�m just scared of something else happening. Maybe bottling it all up isn�t such a good idea after all.

I feel unsure of myself. I wonder if I�m good enough. I wonder if it�s possible one day she could grow to care for me as much as I love her. Where the fuck has all my confidence gone. Jesus Christ.

The last couple days have been wonderful. Except for that asshole guy fucking her over and this latest news. I was walking on Cloud 9. God she�s wonderful.

She really is.

I�m going job hunting tomorrow. I�m not stopping until I have something. I need to get a bankroll going. I want to buy a new truck. I want to go back to the lifestyle I�ve grown used to. To continue my pillage in the rat race. He sighed questioningly�

The breathe escapes my lips�

In a deep sigh of relief�

The day is over� the night has begun�

I miss you.

<3 Dan

 

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!