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4:32 a.m. - 2001-08-20
I wish God would leave me alone like I do him
I feel utterly destroyed. *OH SNAP EDITED* Today I got a call from all people, my mother. This is like getting a call from the bubonic plague itself. Considering we havenít talked for almost a year until recently sheís called me twice this month. The first time to tell me *OH SNAP EDITED* She also told me of her plans to get remarried. This entire week since my *OH SNAP EDITED* like always, Iíve been holding it in. I donít want to talk about it with people so they can pretend to care. Itís been really hard, if it wasnít for my love I would have probably broke down. But this is to much, *OH SNAP EDITED* and hearing it from my mother is the icing on the fucking cake. I hold everything in, I donít enjoy or benefit from talking about my problems. I bitch like everybody else but usually not about the things really bothering me, I just keep it all inside.

Iím scared.

Iím scared something else is going to happen and Iím not going to be able to take it. Iím scared more people are going to die. Iím scared Iím not going to make it out here. Iím scared that Iím digging myself into a hole Iíll never get out of. Iím scared of losing her. Iím scared sheíll find someone who deserves her. I sure as hell donít. Iím pathetic, at least I feel that way. I feel helpless.

Maybe Iím just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe Iím just overreacting. Maybe Iím just a retard.

Iím normally so much stronger than this. Iíve dealt with this before, Iíve dealt with far worse problems. My life right now is pretty ok. Iím in love with the perfect girl. I have a very small amount of really good friends. As soon as I get my financial situation better Iíll be good. Iím just scared of something else happening. Maybe bottling it all up isnít such a good idea after all.

I feel unsure of myself. I wonder if Iím good enough. I wonder if itís possible one day she could grow to care for me as much as I love her. Where the fuck has all my confidence gone. Jesus Christ.

The last couple days have been wonderful. Except for that asshole guy fucking her over and this latest news. I was walking on Cloud 9. God sheís wonderful.

She really is.

Iím going job hunting tomorrow. Iím not stopping until I have something. I need to get a bankroll going. I want to buy a new truck. I want to go back to the lifestyle Iíve grown used to. To continue my pillage in the rat race. He sighed questioninglyÖ

The breathe escapes my lipsÖ

In a deep sigh of reliefÖ

The day is overÖ the night has begunÖ

I miss you.

<3 Dan



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