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3:47 a.m. - 2001-08-15
i miss my traci
I was with her the other night, watching an empty football field. It was somewhere around fourish in the morning. The only other person there was an old man running laps around the field. I was playing with her hair and we talked, or sat in silence. I started feeling so very happy and content. It made me reflect on my life and my past. I've expierienced so much, lived just about everywhere, done just about everything. I've backpacked on foot cross country, lived on a nature reserve, met people from all over. I've lived in a 4 story house, a studio apartment, on friends floors and under a bridge for the first 6 months after I was relieved of my parents home. And now, I was sitting with a beautiful, intelligent, funny, wonderful girl, at 4 in the the morning.

As happy as that made me, and it truly did. I started to think about all the things that i've missed out on in my life, because not only of the situations others put me in, but also because of my way of thinking.

My parents kicked me out at a young age. I missed so much of normal teenage life, most of which I would have abandoned on my own; thinking it to immature and foolish to involve myself in. Others however, I would have enjoyed, given the oppurtunity. Instead of being a kid, I had to learn how to be on my own, to trust nobody. I learned how to survive. A very short while after I lost the love of my life, I was living under a bridge high on cocaine wondering how many ways I could end my life. I'm not trying to be mellodramtic, I don't want people to feel sorry or pity me. I just want to make a point. I missed out on being a kid. On being immature and relying on my parents for everything.

The truth is, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to become a full adult. I mean, because of the things that happened beforehand, yes I was able to prepare and overcome it. I was hardened emotional wise. But I just wasn't ready. After that it was the satanic priestess, getting my apartment robbed, backpacking, the reserve, meeting people, my new apartment burning down then flooding, moving to vegas, moving back to NY, then back to vegas. Basically just a very nomadic and wild lifestyle. These last few years i've done more and seen more and expierienced more than most people will in their lifetimes. And yet i've missed out on some of the simplest things.

All this I thought as I sat there with her. All the thinking came and went in a second, but remnants lingered on until now. When I was there it didn't matter. I just kept playing with her hair, and any rational thought flew from my mind other than being there. Nothing else mattered.

She just called. Shes going to sleep now. Goodnight love. I miss you.

I'm not the type who falls in love very easily. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me and blind hope leads me to do things out of character. But I never fall in love. Love is so pure, so beautiful, that looks, money, cars, none of those things should matter, if the gift of love is given, its something so meaningful, that no matter where the souce, should be given some consideration. It means so much to me that it is never given out, not truly, to anyone. Only once, until now. I don't know what it is about her, well yes I do. It's everything. I'm falling deeper and deeper. Theres no stopping it now. I'm so confused sometimes, then other times everything is so perfectly clear. I couldn't imagine it happening so fast. But it is, and now im falling, harder and faster than I ever have in my life. I don't know how it's going to turn out. But I wouldn't give it up for anything else in the world. I'm in love.

incomplete cycles yearning to be complete

raging emotions that will not accept defeat

mind racing dreams demanding for more

my heart skips a beat and awaits whats in store

Its maddening the unknown

for this i would agree

to know things in others

that we're unable to see

Absolute Insanity.

Yeah, so i think i've wasted enough of your internet surfing time with my rantings.

One last thing, you know what they call mullets in France right?

A Royale Mullet with cheese..

I guess things are only funny when its 4 in the morning.





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