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2:57 p.m. - 2001-07-15
My life has been an emotional roller coaster lately. Whether it's planning out my life, dealing with relationship drama, worrying about money, or just unrelated odds and ends, it has been up and down extremes the last few days.

Most of it isn't my fault, i'm dealing with the things life throws at everyone.

However some of it is my fault, I keep buying the ticket for that roller coaster and riding it, because even though i hate the sudden drops, when it's high, theres no feeling better.

For example, yesterday on the roller coaster I rode high all day and all night, loving every second, and even into this morning, the roller coaster seemed like it was going strong, around the end of breakfast time that roller coaster took a screaming drop towards the ground, due to certain circumstances and situations I don't feel inclined to share at the moment.

So now, i'm trying to figure out whether the ups are worth all the trouble of the downs. The downs come much more often. My friends say it's not. That i'm letting myself be taking advantage of, that i'm being a little bitch basically. I don't know. I don't know why I let myself into these kinds of situations, I do it quite often.

I'm better than this though, I deserve more. I treat roller coasters to good to be thrown around like this.

And yet, I can rant and rave about it all I want, until the Coaster Operator tells me to get off, i'll keep on riding. Wiping the tears away from the wind of the sudden drops, hoping that feeling in my stomach isn't dread, and smiling ignorantly on the way back up, as if I didn't know at the top, theres just another drop.

Lately, nothing makes me smile.

How drama-esque, ay? Seriously, when it all comes down to it, it's not that bad, it just seems like it is. I need to stop bitching to my friends though. Everything that happens is my fault, I could make it stop, so bitching to them is kind of fucked up. Oh well. Fuck it I guess. Just one of lifes little games.

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