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2:22 a.m. - 2001-07-04
Yeah fucking bite me
I feel so utterly and totally alone. Almost to the point that I am terrified. I don't understand. I just got back from going bowling and doing other odd things with some "friends". Now, there gone though, i've decided to move back to NY. I'm leaving at the end of the month. I'll stay there till January, and then move to New Castle.

Right now though, and this next half a year, I feel so alone. Even when I move to New Castle, i'll be alone, although quite preoccupied with the corruption of the youth.

The feeling in my heart is so heavy. I realized the other night, in a conversation with a friend..ever since She died, i've been alone, a piece of me died with her, my heart died with her, and ever since i've been searching, i've moved cross country, lived in almost every state, done almost everything, and never found what I was looking for, I still haven't and thats because what i'm looking for is no longer here.

I lost myself that day.

I know, it sounds mellodramatic. That's because it is, well fuck you, because it's the truth.

I just don't know what the point is, i'll never be happy, i'll never find my soul, i'll never regain my faith, i'll never find love, no matter where I go. I'll be the same.

So what's the point? Why even bother? I mean, sure the satisfaction of corrupting a young mind and opening his eyes to reality does reap some benefit, but when it comes to it, it really doesn't mean anything, no matter how many towns I hit, no matter how many times I move on and do it all over again. I'll still be lost.

I'll still be utterly and totally alone.

That space can never be filled. My friends, are friends, I suppose, but I doubt very many of them would care if I died tommorow, or even notice. Now a lot of people say that, but in my case, having no family really left and friends being very few. I don't know.

I just don't know. I have always been a strong person, someone who could take on anything, deal with anything, no matter what..but these recent realizations are wearing me down, this last dissapointment, of Vegas, is one of the last straws. If this New Castle thing doesn't happen, I don't know what i'll do...

To be alone.

With your thoughts.

To be alone.

With your mind.

To be alone.

With the truth.

To see only reality

as reality sees you

To see life

as life truly is

Alone in the dark

Alone with my fears

Alone with my troubles

Alone with my doubt

To live through pain

to die through living

To hurt through loving

Fuck it.

I give up..for now.

Maybe I can take on the day better tommorow.





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