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11:34 p.m. - 2001-06-25





I've decided to take tonight to enter in my past relationships. In my life I have had three substantial relationships.


I was single for quite a while of course after this, and even when I started again I never really found anyone, this continued until I was nineteen. When I moved back to NY the first time from Vegas, I met a girl. By this time I was the person I am now, cynical sarcastic, downright mean to most people for no reason, and chronically depressed. I don't know why I am that way, but I am.

Anyway this girl was just like me, she cut through the bullshit of life and did exactly how she pleased, acted how she wanted, said what she wants, and was against stereotypes and labels in every fashion. We got along perfectly, talked in diners till 5 in the morning on the weekends drinking coffee and whatever. It was pure perfection. I'm a total insomniac so we would hang out and then head back to her house and she would fall asleep around one o'clock during the week. I would just lay there next to her massaging her neck, or playing with her hair, I felt so wonderful. I would do it till around six when she woke up to go to school. Then I would go home and do whatever it was that I was doing that day. It continued for a while...I had what happened to this relationship here before but due to certain circumstances, have decided to leave the rest didnt work out..

My third and most recent relationship isn't very substantial, however it is fresh in my mind and therefore is getting posted.

I met her through a friend. The first time I met her I thought she was a whore, the way she dressed and the way she acted made me think this, but because I am not the stereotyping person I gave her the benefit of the doubt, a few days later she had contacted me and told me she was interested in me. We started talking, emailing all sorts of things, and after a little drama, eventually hung out. I was clear in informing her I was quite picky and that I had been hurt before and therefore wanted to make sure, if she dated me, was ready to have a serious committed relationship, not marriage, just a sole commitment to be committed. To be there for one another, etc. She told me time and time again she was different and would never do that to me blah blah blah. We ended up going out to a party together at a common friends house, there she asked me out. We spent the weekend together at my house, it was wonderful, she kept telling me how happy she was to be with me, and how happy she was to have found me. She wanted to have sex but I wasn't properly prepared so that didn't happen. On Monday I took her to work and picked her up at the end of the night, we ended up having sex that night which is so out of character for me it's unbelievable, but you'll read about that later. We spent Monday night at my house and I dropped her off at work the next day. She had been kicked out of her house a few weeks before, and after leaving mine decided to move in with a friend, so her and him rented a room together in someone's house. After this happened, on Tuesday, she stopped calling, stopped e-mailing me constantly like she had before. I hardly talked to her all last week, we were supposed to hang out this weekend but on Friday she told me was going to California with some guy from work. Well, I talked to her today and she told me never actually went, that her and her "roomate friend" spent the whole weekend "resting up" because neither of them had been getting any sleep lately....yeah riiiiight... anyway, so either she lost interest in me, never had interest, or found someone new, or perhaps she used me for a place to stay and to get some sex. I'll break up with her if I can ever get ahold of her. If all else fails ill have to do it via email but I'm really trying to not go that route, cause I cant think of anything more horrible.

Which brings me into sex, I have had sex three times in my life, The first time I was drunk, unconscious and sleeping, A girl that was obsessed with me came in and had sex with me. Apparently men still function when there sleeping, which does not surprise me in the least considering what pigs most of us are.

The second time happened with a friend, it was a mistake but it happened.

The third time was with my most recent girlfriend.

I regret all three, and I am so picky about people, its kind of ironic. Especially considering my views on sex. I despise people who constantly have sex with anyone. I think sex ruins relationships, I have mentioned this before, but it does, there's just to much hype on it. Its simply not worth it and if I never have it again, trust me I wont be losing sleep.

I just don't get how people can do this to each other. The way people treat each other especially in dating situations is just horrible. I don't get it and I end up sitting in my room listening to some wretchedly depressing music thinking WHY's love, don't you get it? ITS LOVE.

Apparently not.

Stereotypes, I wanted to clarify my views on stereotypes. I have absolutely no problem with punks, ravers, preppies, hippies, whatever you are, I don't care, I get along with any of them even though I am nothing in particular, I don't have a label. The problem I have with stereotypes are those people who don't maintain there individuality within there labels. If you are so much into something you start doing, or not doing something, listening to, or not listening to something not because it's your personal choice then THAT is what I have a problem with. BE YOURSELf above anything else. I could never lose my own personality and individual ideas simply because the majority of the people who believe the same thing have a problem with it. I simply don't get it, and I don't get people. I will never understand how people can take emotion, can take life itself, and how they live, and ruin it, destroy it, thinking there helping themselves but actually just stopping themselves from truly living. If your a player, yeah your gonna have more fun than others, you can have sex with a bunch of people and love it, but if you miss out on LOVE, if you miss out on caring, if you miss that, well then you'll never know.

When I was in love, it consumed me, and maybe it was puppy love, maybe I can never truly understand it being I was so young, but I don't believe so, I felt more then, than I ever have before, and since. And without her, even when I find someone else, I still feel empty. I think I more then likely always will..

I was planning on writing a lot more tonight, but I've gotten myself quite depressed. I'll write the rest tomorrow.

Ned Flanders makes me smile, so do window stickers.

<3 Dan.



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