10:23 p.m. - 2002-10-26
Perhaps it's because every morning, when I wake up and look out my window, and look down on the street below, I am happy with what I see, until one day, for no reason at all, it changes.
The windows seem dirty, blurring the sights below. The streets seem lonely and depressing, and the rain bouncing off the glass, which yesterday seemed so calming and wonderful, becomes a reminder of the past.
Or perhaps it's not so much the view of the outside from within, but the view of within from the outside.
That's how it usually happens, i'm enjoying my life, everything is going fine, for the most part, with the eternal struggles of life being present but not uncontrollable, and then it hits me, and i'm no longer satisfied, I feel the need for more, I feel like there's something I need to find. It's kept me going, kept me motivated to keep moving, all over the country.
Recently, with the happenings of my last move, things are different. I don't even bother going to the window in the morning, i'm much more concerned with what's going on inside. My new life, and for the very first time, I think I found what I was looking for.
My life is filled with stress, filled with worry, and unimaginable debts and responsibilities, but it no longer pulls me down.
I have found what i've been searching for, and I know that even though at this point, there's more I need to do, i'm on the right track. I have a plan, a plan that will properly help me attain my goals. A plan that involves the right people. It will be a long hard road, but in the end, if I can only mend the mistakes of my past, with the work of the future, will turn out alright.
I'm working, i'm in love, and i'm happy. And although I still get depressed about the constant struggles, at least I have someone to look out the window with, if the need ever comes.
And if it does, i'm ready.
This didn't come out exactly how I had planned, not as descriptive, and not half as eloquently, but I guess it doesn't matter. Nobody can be perfect everyday, at least I do it 90% of the time.
<3 night kids <3