5:31 p.m. - 2002-04-21
Everything i'm supposed to be doing right now, all the things i'm supposed to be taking care of, all the things that i'm responsible for, are going unfinished and staying incomplete. My bills are piling up and I don't have the money to pay them, i'll probably have to take another cash advance on my credit card just to pay the rent this month, along with the phone bill, my car payment, the credit card payment itself, etc etc etc...
I need to get a job..I have something in my eye, and I have all day and I can't seem to get it out, I feel sick, i'm hungover, my head is pounding...
All these things that to a normal person would be dreadfully important, at this point really don't matter to me. I mean of course they sit on my back and weigh me down, i'm not a complete wanker, and they seem more apparent when I get drunk, but for the most part I just can't seem to care, because I know that at some point, it'll be ok, i'll take care of it, i'll be rich again soon, i've never gotten into a situation I couldn't scam, deal with, or if all else fails, work to get out of. I just don't care.
Because I have something stuck in my throat..
Oh wait, that's my heart. Cliche' much ? I think so.
It's hard to give a shit about anything else when you're in love like this.
I'm completely content. I love my life.
That's just the present situtation, I know what the future will hold.
Eventually, this week, i'll get a job, i'll start saving money, paying off my bills past and present, and continue to live and get drunk with the most wonderful person i've ever met. The person who totally compliments me in every way, who is my perfect match.
We'll move in June once she graduates and i've saved some money to Salt Lake City until somewhere mid-august when we'll leave for Pennsylvania.
I should be rolling by then as finanacial wise.
We'll go to PA, buy a house, create a small army of Anarchists to do our bidding, get money off of them, and live quite happily there as the kingpins of New Castle.
And she'll be there.
I can't even look at her without the slightest shiver going up my spine, I don't know if it's a shiver of pure love, or of disbelief that this perfect creature would even consider sharing her time here with me.
She's so wonderful, even now sleeping next to me she looks like Gods perfect creation, even though there isn't a God, if there had been, this would be his lifetime achievement.
I love her so much I don't know what to do with myself.
For the first time in a long time, I feel almost vulnerable.
Not to mention the two of us will be living with Ashley for fucks sake, who is one of the coolest fuckin people I know. And maybe Carlos if he decides to come.
But Fuck, Me, Heather, and Ashley taking over a small town in PA, swimming in money, owning our own house, all having cars, and plenty of alcohol.
I don't know about you, but how can anyone expect me to give a shit about my problems now with a future like that.
She even loves me after seeing my drunken rants about my past, things I haven't talked about in years, or in some cases, never at all.
Maybe it's because we've lived parallel lives that she's so forgiving. Or maybe it's because she loves me. Or maybe it's because she's just fucking perfect.
Or maybe she just understands.
Another thing that hasn't happend in a very long time.
I give up trying to understand it, i'm just going to sit here and bask in it's glory.
I love you.
<3 night kids <3