4:02 a.m. - 2001-09-02
"I remember...the first time I saw your face.
...the first time I drank at your lips.
...the first time our souls intermingled creating a single entity.
I remember...how I sang the body electric cloaked within your warm embrace.
I remember...the soft perfume of your skin, the sensation of your touch...the sweet taste of you in my mouth,
...your flawless countenance, still in slumber, kissed by pale moonlight...and how you stole my breath away."
This reminded me that it has been a very long time since I felt this way about anyone. I wonder if I ever will again reach that peak. At least in actuality without it simply being blind hope creating disillusions in my mind. Images of grandeur created through dream instigated realities, or something along the lines of living out ones hopes and dreams without it ever actually happening.
At first I thought my lack of finding any kind of substantial relationships were due to myself lacking in some way. I see now perhaps that it is the people I pine after. Deeming those that are unworthy of my love deserving simply because of the lack of other options. Wasting emotions, investing time, and concern on those that could truly care less and use that emotion as a reassurance of their own grandeur. Instead of appreciating the great gift they are given, they take it as a compliment on how absolutely fantastic they are, whether that fact be true or not outside of the caverns of their own mind.
Time however is my Achilles heal. I feel pressured, because of the memories I hold of the love Iíve had in the past. Every minute I go on living without having love in my life, is a moment I wonít have it at the end. One more moment feeling empty throughout my entire being. It has nothing to do with sexual endeavors or fear of being single. I do feel quite alone, but itís more wanting to refill the hole in my soul that was dug by the love of the past. Once you feel that, that overwhelming feeling, unexplainable by my own pathetic abilities, once you truly feel it, any moment in time, be it a year or a heartbeat, is unimaginable pain. Indescribable emptiness. There is nothing I can do to get the love I had back. I fear I will spend my entire life trying to recreate it.
And how do I go about it ? Or how have I since then, by handing out my emotions on a platter for those who would to devour it in a tirade of self indulging feelings. Creating visions of things not real in my own mind, and inflating small things into giant ones.
I wish I could describe it to you, I sincerely do. Love, itself, to be given to anyone, is such a great gift alone, that everything else, all details surrounding it, the people involved, and everything about them is in itself of no consequence If someone offers you true love, even if that love is not returned, the gift itself should be appreciated.
Perhaps Iím a hopeless romantic, perhaps that I am behind the times, perhaps the ideals of using people and taking advantage and manipulating people in order to get what you want out of a relationship are simply beneath, or above depending on how you look at it, my comprehension.
I wonder if thatís a good thing or not. No, no I donít wonder that at all. It may not be a good thing to my current status, or my status in my life. In my heart however I know there is nothing that could possible be better in any way.
Being that I feel my current love is unappreciated, and that most of it was visions of my own mind corrupted by denial, I once again, continue my search, for my emotional, and intellectual equal. One who looks at relationships and love the way I do. The one whom having received my all, everything I have to offer, would not indulge herself and then turn away in spite, having thinking she conquered me. But to appreciate the gift I have given, and return it in her all. Perhaps that search is in vain.
Perhaps. I suppose however, that I have no other choice.
One can describe a sunset, one can describe a midnight thunderstorm from the rooftops, one can describe the perfect night in a perfect place. Add love, and the company of one who cares while you appreciate these visions, and if itís true, thatís when the memories, no matter how gifted the mind at expressing vision, becomes indescribable in its beauty, for one can never truly describe emotion to one who has never felt it, appreciated it.
Goodnight for now kids. I leave you with the hope, that though love may never come to me, know that Iím dreaming of it coming for you, with all my heart. Maybe my chances are gone forever, but yours are just beginning.
Ah, depression, my old friend, join me in a cup of coffee, Iíve saved you your old seat in my mind.
Pardon me while I paraphrase with my poetic license.....
"He woke her then, and trembling defeated
she ate the beating heart out of his hand weeping
Could he daily feel the stab of hunger for her
And find nourishment in the very sight of her.
I think so Would she then see through the bars of
his plight and ache for him"
-The Burning Heart
Not sure if I got it right, but for the most part, you get the idea I would imagine.
"Hope springs eternal in the heart of a man."