1:52 a.m. - 2001-08-28
I refuse to deny reality where nothingsí what it seems
I refuse to bathe in ignorance playing the child like game
I refuse to hide in denial, another faceless name.
I refuse to enter into a world filled with empty bliss
I refuse to hide how I feel to keep the pain dismissed.
I accept the challenge, using my will against the world.
Fighting alone the empty path, unknown beauty becoming unfurled
I bask in the beauty of one precious soul
I can hear the bells in the distance, I know for who they toll
I accept the fate of my life and my destiny
I refuse that I cant change it, I wont surrender on my knees
Fuck the world, Fuck the games
Fuck the trends and fuck the names
Fuck loving, Fuck caring
Fuck beauty, fuck staring
Fuck all the things that you sheep hold dear
Fuck hunger, boundless hatred, fuck love, fuck fear.
Iíll take it how I want to, making it my own.
Facing the troubled world, and facing it alone.
I refuse to be one of you. I choose individuality.
I refuse to be one of the flock, envy my insanity.
Within my own troubled life, I see a cycle. I am forever changing my surroundings, changing the people I hold dear to me. I have lost more people close to me than some will ever meet. More emotion has died within my cascaded soul than most people will ever feel.
And yet here I am again, in the same position I always seem to be ending up in. I want more. I want. My life is simple in itís complexity. I see the world around me, I envy what others will never have. I want a reason to feel as strongly as I do. I want to scream on the edge of a cliff into the ocean, break down and cry and give up the strength Iíve always had.
I donít want the role Iíve always had. Iím sick of being the leader, the one that takes control, the one to solve all problems, the one to come to, the one to rely on, Iím sick of being the strong one. More people look to me for control than I care to mention and yet I feel that at any moment I will break down and the tears will flow and never stop.
I find myself scared of the future, doubting my own ability to be anything. I need reassurance. I need support, and yet there is nobody willing to give it, or to offer. I have no problem being the one to rely on by those that I choose, the ones I love, it brings me great pleasure to be able to help them in any small way. But itís more than that. I have nobody to go to, to express the way I truly feel. Nobody I can pour out my soul to. I did once, but they left me long ago before I was ready and I am left alone in this world to fight off the demons of my own mind alone. Fettered to my own petty existence.
God. The simple melody, one beat of a song, one word of poetry spurns more deep emotions in my gut, itís almost frightening the ways that I feel.
I need help. Iím so alone.
I want nothing more from anyone than to feel that I am important. I ask nothing more than to be appreciated. To know that my life which is wasting away into a decrepit nonsense is for just one person meaningful. That all my morals or immorality. That for one second of one day somebody lays awake in their bed thinking of me as I do of others. That one tear down one cheek of one heavy heart would be for me. Not in sadness but in pure love and the simple thought of missing my presence.
I realize that this is a quite selfish and self indulgent thought, but considering the effort and the motivation, and the commitment that I give to others, I donít think itís to much to ask.
Sputtering thoughts so random is dangerous.
Nobody knows, nobody knows how I feel inside. How at every moment of every day I wish it would all end and all the thoughts that drive me to the edge would end for one blissful second until my soul crosses over and dissolves into the nothingness that is the end.
Twice before itís been to much for me to handle, that time will never come again where itís to much for me to take, but the thoughts still come. For just one second to be alone in my head without the thoughts of reconciling with things to far gone to ever return, for the thoughts and the emotions to leave me and how pleasurable it would be to simply be ignorant of all the realities just for a moment. And for just that second in the immortality to be able to forget the truth and simply be happy. Happiness is a concept I have not understood for a very long time.
I need compensation for all the wrongs that have been involved in my life for so long.
I know that some of you may be able to understand, but for the most part none of you could understand what it is to be me. Imagine your life how it is, now take away your family, all of them, now imagine having the one person you loved most in the world taken from you. Imagine living the entire latter part of your teenage life living under bridges and cross country traveling alone. Fuck all that, just imagine everything that ever meant anything was destroyed, imagine yourself more alone than you have ever felt. Everything that has ever been important in my life has been taken from me. Remember the time you were so upset you ran in your room put your face in your pillow and cried your eyes out to the stars. Imagine that a constant feeling without being able to carry it out.
Just once in my life I wish I could have normal problems. I am not downgrading anyone elses troubles. Anyone who is dealing with any problem on any level would consider it a imporant thing, and I say it is as important as you make it. Because others have more serious problems it makes yours no less. I am simply stating that I no longer can deal with my thoughts as easily as I use to.
Someone reach out from the black void of nothingness and save me from myself.
ďDo I mean anything to anyone ?Ē he asked questioningly to the dark.
The first tear of many traveling the lonely path to the floor.
Could it be a <3