9:15 PM - 2001-08-26
For when all else is taken away and you see your life for what it is, the only things that mean everything is what you have felt, how you felt it, and the details around it.
Because when you lose everything else, these things remain with you.
I love deeper, and feel emotions stronger than most people could ever imagine. The general population with childlike ignorance of the realities of life who have their minds filled with ideals of irrational, could never expierience Depression the way I feel it. Could never love the way I love, could never hate the way I hate, they will never know.
The man or woman who has 6 people they are in a relationship with, although having more partners, and more emotion, can never and will never feel the pure bliss of being in love with just one, having no time to truly commit himself or herself to that person.
So it is with me and the entirety of life.
Many times in my life I feel I have invested these emotions where they are not appreciated and it is leaving me very drained and very tired.
And although some things in my life are worth the investment and help somewhat to replenish my soul, still I wonder if it is enough, and am I getting enough back to truly balance itself out.
I now look to the future, where my life is headed and question many things about what I am doing in the present.
Because I can't take much more of how it is right now. I really can't.
When I was first kicked out of my house, living under a bridge I promised myself I would succeed.
Every year since that day, I keep telling myself the same thing.
To many people take advantage of me for me to have anything left to help myself.
I feel drained. I need to know certain unknowns in my life before I can move on. I'm just fucking lost. I need to be loved, just once, I need to be loved the way I love.