4:52 a.m. - 2001-08-16
I'm not good at small talk. She called me tonight. I was looking forward to it all day, certainly the highlight of my existence. When it came however, I as always never know what to say. I'm not very good on the phone. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation, as I always do. With her, for some reason, I don't mind talking on the phone. I just wish I had more to add. Even the small pauses of silence for me is soothing, just to know sheís on the other end. However Iím not to sure my non existent conversation skills keep her entertained. I felt kind of bad. I mean it's not a huge deal, she's not going to rampage my home with a band of wild pygmies waving banners of hatred because I had nothing to say. It's just I really don't want to disappointment her ever. I've never really been unsure of myself before, it's kind of a weird feeling. Oh well, Iíll make it up to her tomorrow.
I miss her, it's only been a little while since we sat on the football field, but I already miss her. I just want to be there again, I want to hold her, close my eyes, and lose myself in happiness, even if it's just for a while. I'll have to wait until tomorrow. I can wait. Like a child waits on the edge of her seat when driving into the entrance to Disneyland, 100 feet to the entrance and it takes forever and a day to get there.
I'm so far gone now. I love it. I love this feeling. My little thug. Mine.
Sometimes I feel hopeless, lost in a world that has forgotten me. Sometimes I feel absolutely useless, found only by regret and bitterness. Sometimes I get depressed, alone in the dark. Sometimes I get so trapped in my mind by feelings I could never hope to understand I lose myself in the very complexity. I feel like I will explode and my mind will brim over and fill the world with tears of chaos. Help me get away. Help me escape to paradise. For one minute of that, one second, one blink, one thought, Iíll give it all up to be there. Let me live in that moment forever, let me never leave. Let us be trapped in the universal paradox that is life; let us be there together. You could take it all away, without trying, simply by being you.
I go now, to sleep the sleep of the insomniac, lost halfway between reality and unconsciousness, to daydream of my love.