12:17 a.m. - 2001-08-10
Theres a certain feeling that certain people get, when they watch certain movies, listen to certain songs. You can feel it in your gut, it rises up into your chest and creates the pressure in the back of your eyes. Certain words touch a chorde in your soul and you lay back and soak it up. Some people think that the person watching or listening associates themselves with what they're taking in, creating an emotional response. For me, it's envy. I was in love once in my life. I live now for very few other reasons but to get that feeling back in my life. I daydream about true love, and romance. I guess I don't make a very good sterotypical male.
I haven't written anything in a while. Well not on here. I write almost constantly but most of it goes in a journal. Most of the stuff i actually put up on here is ramblings and bad poetry. The best stuff thats in my book is just to personal to post to anyone. I haven't written on here because i've been very confused lately about my feelings. I feel lost, utterly drawn out from reality. I sit back and I watch myself and I see myself as a different person. Somebody who's weak. I guess emotion does that to you.
This is the first time in my life, i've ever felt bad about being me. The first time i've thought I wasn't good enough for something. That hits you pretty hard when you've been an egotistical maniac your entire life. And for the last couple weeks that's how i have been feeling. I don't know. I just feel really confused. I know what I want but i don't think I can ever have it.
I think i'm falling in love. I hate everything.
The worst thing in the world is feeling like this, being so close, and yet so far away. How cliche.
Ill finish this later