8:56 p.m. - 2001-06-26
If you didn't get yesterdays entry, I suggest you go read it before reading tonights. I wanted to update the drama from yesterday. I finally sent her an e-mail out of frustration. I really didn't want to but her unwillingness to call finally forced me.
Let me start off by saying I have been quite sick lately, and wrote this e-mail when I was almost dead from lack of sleep. Don't expect anything amazing.
First email from me to her
Ok, well Im just wondering whats going on with us. The weekend before last you were so happy we were together, always tellin me all that stuff, how happy you were to be hanging out, and all that jazz. Monday comes and everything was cool, and then after tuesday you stop calling, your e-mails all become one line, or one word. And im like well shes tired, shes really busy, everythings cool whatever, I figured we would hang out on the weekend and everything would be cool. Then you tell me you're goin away for the weekend with this guy from work, and I was dissapointed and all but I figured it would be good for you to get away or whatever, then you tell me you were home all weekend relaxing, which really surprised me that you didn't call me or anything the whole weekend when you were in Vegas, I mean I know you're busy, I know you're tired, but still..and now its just like you're not even interested.
So I don't know if you ever were interestd in me, maybe you were but now your not, maybe you found somebody better, maybe you decided you wanted to be single and are regretting starting this with me, but whatever it is, I know I tried to be as good as I possibly could to you and I don't wanna sit here feeling stupid, so whatever it is, just tell me, and we can end this thing on good terms.
Her response, I don't know if this is all lies are not, I probably never will, but i'm accepting it as the truth and trying to be as nice as possible.
Ok....well due to the situation, I think it is better for me to stay single,
because i really need to figure out what im doing and where im going. Trust
me, I am interested, but i simply dont have enough time, or anything, and
now is not a good time to start anything, you know? There's just too much
going on right now, and I don't think i can handle a relationship at the
same time. All I really have on my mind is work, and no time for play...I
just really need to get my life on track, and this is not a good time to
bring someone new into my life. I hope you understand, I dont mean to blow
you off, and don't think I'm a freeloader. This is just a really big turning
point in my life. Bigger than I had thought before, because now im really
starting to realize how tough it is and I'm really not used to having to
worry about the things I worry about now. My mind and emotions are all out
of whack and I need to figure out who I am, what I'm doing and where I plan
to go from here. I'm just really not too good at expressing things like
this. I'm just trying to prove to myself and my family that I am capable of
dealing with all this, and I put on a good front....but deep down, I'm
scared to death....I have given up hanging out with all my good friends and
the fun and excitement of being young, and in return I have to force myself
to be responsible, and to pick myself up, cuz no one's gonna do it for me. I
feel so alone in this world, so lost and confused....cuz u know, anything
can happen....I need to know I am strong enough to face it all...by myself.
But I could go on and on, so i better stop now before i drag this on too
much. What I really need now are friends...friends that sincerely care....or
i dont know. I just have a LOT to figure out...and i feel like im on a time
limit...i dont know....well i guess thats just a little bit of whats goin on
in my world. Sorry for anything I may have done....I mean no harm...It's
Well, I wish you had told me, but I suppose with the things going on I can understand why you didn't. I should have seen this coming but I was to blinded by hope. I wish you would let me be there for you, but I understand that you want/have to deal with this on you're own. And I particularly wish that what happened last Monday night hadn't happened if this was coming, but whats done is done.
I hope everything goes well for you, I know you'll do well in the future.
While we were together it was really great, I want you to know that, I really enjoyed you and being around you. It was nice while it lasted.
She wrote me back..
So this is goodbye? I dont want to shut you out, I still want to be your
friend. I dont want to lose another good friend....I feel sooo bad....but I
didn't really see it coming either. It's just really sinkin in- whats
happening. It just all of a sudden hit me, u know? I've been trying to
re-establish relationships with my family...the people I have hurt worst of
all...and now I feel like I'm at the point of a nervous breakdown....too
much, u know? :*( I wish there was a way I woulda known then, but I guess
I'm really starting to realize what being "on my own" is really like. I want
to sooo bad just breakdown and tell them whats really going thru my head,
but I just want everyone to believe that I have it all under
control....which I'm not too sure of. Damn....its like everynight i lay
there and think....just unsure, ya know? Feels like I'm at the brink of
tears right now just thinkin about it and tellin you all of this....i dunno,
maybe i shouldnt be sittin here pourin my heart out to you over email....i
just dont know. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talkin like this....kinda sounds
like I'm on some pity trip, but well, thats whats goin on i guess....Thank
you for everything you've done for me....it doesn't go unappreciated...Well
I'll shut up for now....
I wrote back
This isn't goodbye, we can still be friends and all, I mean if you ever need anything, or need to talk, remember I'm here for you, just a phone call away, remember, ive been through what you're going through, I know what its like to put up a front, I know what its like to have your family disown you. If you ever need to talk, im here. I dont think we'll be hanging out or anything, that would be to hard for me, at least not right away, maybe in a few weeks. Just because well..nevermind im not gonna start on that. Point being I want to be your friend, and I want to help you in any way I can. Feel free to spill away via email phone or whatever. Just remember that I think you are gonna get through this, I think you can do it, I think you're gonna show them all. I know its hard,and your busy and you work alot, but remember that you're strong and that somebody believes in you.
She wrote back
Thank you....that helps a lot....more than u realize..Don't hesitate to call
me either...I'm really not a flake or anything...but u understand. It's just
hard to deal with all this right now...ton of bricks, ya know? I just feel
so worn out, sick, tired, blaaah.....but i guess its all gonna be
ok...>sigh< Please dont hold what happened against me, I'm really really
sorry. Damn everything I'm trying to say isnt comin out right soo.....i
guess i should just quit now....Thank you for being there...it means a LOT.
You're welcome, I know how you feel, I know you're not a flake. These kinds of things happen. Just remember I'm here. If you ever need to talk, don't hesistate to call. At the very least send me an e-mail once in a while and let me know how things are going. Well, goodbye for now, i'm gonna go do some work, I'll talk to you later.
That was the last e-mail, that probably wil be the last time I talk to her, I doubt she'll call or e-mail me. I might e-mail her in a couple weeks just to make sure shes ok. Now then, I don't know if I acted how I should have, I don't know if I handled the situation right or not, but that's what happened. So it's over now.
I'm sitting in my room now with the lovely depressing music on getting myself into quite a slump. Don't get the wrong idea, i'm not this upset over a relationship that didn't last two weeks. I'm not that quite drama-esque, no, that's not a word, but you know what I mean. It's just that there are so many other troublesome things going on that it was nice to have someone who cared. I don't know what's worse now though, not having someone who cares, or having someone that is supposed to care, and doesn't.
I just feel so empty right now, I feel so worthless, I feel used, walked over, and utterly drained. With everything else going on I can't handle the little things like this. I was so blinded by the hope that this could work out, when we first met, the person she was and her personality just clicked. We would have been great I think, had she not, well whatever happened.
So now here I am, in my room, depressed, upset, feeling worthless.
Life is so relentless sometimes. Just when you think you can't take anymore it throws something else at you. I just wish everyone viewed love like I did. As something to be cherished.
Well, I really don't know what else to say, I'm really upset so I'm just gonna go, maybe i'll add something more later.
"Damp pillows are the surest sign of love"